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How to Buy Gag Gifts
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Written by Michael Skinner   

Intro:  There is a way to go about the gift of gag.

You want to be amusing without being gross or inappropriate.

Step 1:  You can't go wrong by giving someone hominy grits for a gift.

Nothing says Merry Christmas like a mess of scalding hot porridge in your lap.

You could even use a bowl if you are of a mind.

Step 2:  Manly gifts need to bleed, scream, break into a million pieces,

burn your face off or scare the women folk.

Keeping scorpions and tarantulas for pets and making them

fight each other now there's a manly pastime.

Unlike that football player with the dogs no one will put you in prison

because no one thinks tarantulas or scorpions are cute.

Step 3:  If we are talking about gifts for men then the hideously ugly tie is a must.

A tie so ugly that it would sterilize gerbils at 20 paces is just the thing.

Step 4:  It wouldn't be Christmas without a lethal helping of fruitcake.

Make a fruitcake so awful it would wake the dead.

Then you can party with the dead!

Step 5:  So what goes into a wickedly lethal fruitcake?

Well blood of course.  If you haven't got any blood then blood oranges will do.

If any of the tarantulas or scorpions died then let them become one with the fruitcake.

Add in some spam, jelly fish, Vegemite, tofu and any left over fish that the kids wouldn't eat.

Nothing living will approach this fruitcake.  Success!!!




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